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WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY transcribed by Aaron Villa (Kids run from school to the Candy Shop.) 1. BILL'S CANDY SHOP (Kids enter, yelling.) KIDS: (yelling) Sizzler! I want a Sizzler! BILL: All right, all right, all right, what's it going to be? A triple cream cup for Christopher . . . KIDS: (yelling) A Squelchy Snorter! BILL: A Squelchy Snorter for Otis . . . ONE KID: I want a Squelchy Snorter . . . BILL: A Sizzler for June Marie . . . ANOTHER KID: C'mon, give me a Sizzler . . . BILL: And listen! Wonka's got a new one today. KIDS: What is it? BILL: This is called a Scrumdidilyumptious Bar. WINKELMANN: (mispronouncing) Scrumbibilyunctious Bar? How does he do it? BILL: My dear boy, do you ask a fish how it swims? WINKELMANN: No . . . BILL: Or a bird how it flies? WINKELMANN: No . . . BILL: No sirree, you don't! They do it because they were born to do it. Just like Willy Wonka was born to be a candy man, you look like you were born to be a Wonkarer. WHO CAN TAKE A SUNRISE SPRINKLE IT WITH DEW COVER IT IN CHOCOLATE AND A MIRACLE OR TWO THE CANDY MAN THE CANDY MAN CAN THE CANDY MAN CAN 'CAUSE HE MIXES IT WITH LOVE AND MAKES THE WORLD TASTE GOOD WHO CAN TAKE A RAINBOW WRAP IT IN A SIGH SOAK IT IN THE SUN AND MAKE A STRAWBERRY LEMON PIE KIDS: THE CANDY MAN? BILL: THE CANDY MAN THE CANDY MAN CAN THE CANDY MAN CAN 'CAUSE HE MIXES IT WITH LOVE AND MAKES THE WORLD TASTE GOOD KIDS: Me! Me! BILL: WILLY WONKA MAKES EVERYTHING HE BAKES SATISFYING AND DELICIOUS TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD WISHES YOU CAN EVEN EAT THE DISHES WHO CAN TAKE TOMORROW DIP IT IN A DREAM SEPARATE THE SORROW AND COLLECT UP ALL THE CREAM THE CANDY MAN KIDS: WILLY WONKA CAN BILL: THE CANDY MAN CAN THE CANDY MAN CAN 'CAUSE HE MIXES IT WITH LOVE AND MAKES THE WORLD TASTE GOOD AND THE WORLD TASTES GOOD 'CAUSE THE CANDY MAN THINKS IT SHOULD . . . 2. ON THE STREET (Charlie has been watching through the window. He walks away, toward Mr. Jopeck's newsstand.) CHARLIE: Hi, Mr. Jopeck. JOPECK: Ah, come along, Charlie; you're late. CHARLIE: It's payday, Mr. Jopeck. JOPECK: You're right. (He pays Charlie.) There you are. CHARLIE: Thanks. JOPECK: Say hello to your Grandpa Joe. CHARLIE: Okay. (Charlie delivers the papers.) 3. WONKA'S FACTORY GATES (Charlie stands outside the gates looking at the factory.) TINKER: Up the airy mountain Down the rushing glen We dare not go a-hunting For fear of little men. You see: Nobody ever goes in, . . . and nobody ever comes out! 4. BUCKETS' HOUSE GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Charlie's late. GRANDPA JOE: He works too hard for a little boy. He should have some time to play. MRS. BUCKET: Not enough hours in the day. With the four of you bedridden for the past twenty years, it takes a lot of work to keep this family going. GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: If only his father were alive. GRANDPA JOE: Soon as I get my strength back, I'm gonna get out of this bed and help him. MRS. BUCKET: Dad, in all the years you've been saying you're going to get out of that bed, I've yet to see you set foot on the floor. GRANDPA JOE: Well . . . maybe if the floor wasn't so cold. (Charlie enters.) CHARLIE: Hi, everybody! GRANDPA JOE: Wake up! GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Wake up! GRANDPA JOE: Wake up; Charlie's home! CHARLIE: Grandpa George. (He kisses him.) Grandma Georgina. (Kisses her.) Grandma Josephine. (Kisses her.) Grandpa Joe. (Kisses him. Looks at Joe's bowl of cabbage water.) Is this your supper, Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: Well, it's yours too, Charlie. CHARLIE: I'm fed up with cabbage water. It's not enough! GRANDMA GEORGINA: Charlie! GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: It's all we have. GRANDPA JOE: What are you saying? CHARLIE: How about this? (Produces a loaf of bread.) MRS. BUCKET: Charlie, where'd you get that? GRANDPA JOE: What difference does it make where he got it? Point is: he got it. CHARLIE: It's my first payday. MRS. BUCKET: Good for you, Charlie. We'll have a real banquet. CHARLIE: Mom . . .? Here's what's left. You keep it. Except for this. From now on, I'm going to pay for your tobacco. GRANDPA JOE: No one's going to pay for it, Charlie. I'm giving it up. MRS. BUCKET: Come on, Dad, it's only one pipe a day. GRANDPA JOE: When a loaf of bread looks like a banquet, I've no right buying tobacco. CHARLIE: Go on, Grandpa. Please take it. 5. BUCKET'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT CHARLIE: After I finished my paper route, I was in front of Wonka's. There was this strange man there. I think he was a tinker. He was standing right behind me, looking up at the factory. Just before he left he said, "Nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out." GRANDPA JOE: And right he was, Charlie. Not since the tragic day that Willy Wonka locked it. CHARLIE: Why'd he lock it? GRANDPA JOE: Because all the other chocolate makers in the world were sending in spies--dressed as workers!--to steal Mr. Wonka's secret recipes. Especially Slugworth . . . oh, that Slugworth, he was the worst! Finally Mr. Wonka shouted, "I shall be ruined! Close the factory!" And that's just what he did. He locked the gates and vanished completely. And then suddenly, about three years later, the most amazing thing happened. The factory started working again, full blast! And more delicious candies were coming out than ever before. But the gates stayed locked so that no one, not even Mr. Slugworth, could steal them. CHARLIE: But Grandpa, someone must be helping Mr. Wonka work the factory. GRANDPA JOE: Thousands must be helping him. CHARLIE: But who? Who are they? GRANDPA JOE: That is the biggest mystery of them all. 6. SCHOOL MR. TURKENTINE: Charlie Bucket. CHARLIE: Yes, Mr. Turkentine? MR. TURKENTINE: I shall need an assistant. Come and give me a hand. (Charlie joins him at the front.) We have here nitric acid, glycerin, and a special mixture of my own. Together it's horrible, dangerous stuff; blows you up. But mixed together in the right way, as only I know how, what do you think it makes? CHARLIE: I don't know, sir. MR. TURKENTINE: Of course you don't know. You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you. And for a student to teach his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear? CHARLIE: Yes, sir. (The students laugh.) MR. TURKENTINE: Good. Now, mixed together in the right way, these three highly dangerous ingredients make the finest wart remover in the world. The trick is to pour them in in equal amounts. Now, Charlie, you take the nitric acid and the glycerin, and I'll take my own special mixture. You ready? Good lad: pour. (They pour; the mixture emits a small boom and a large puff of smoke. The kids cheer.) CHARLIE: Did we do it wrong? MR. TURKENTINE: No, certainly not; this is for very big warts. (Commotion in the hall.) KID #1 (O.C.): I'm gonna get there first. Get out of my way. MR. TURKENTINE: Now what's going on out there? KID #2 (O.C.): I hope there's still some left. (Mr. Turkentine opens the door.) MR. TURKENTINE: You, Winkelmann, come here. What's happening? WINKELMANN: Willy Wonka's opening his factory; he's gonna let people in. MR. TURKENTINE: Are you sure? WINKELMANN: It's on the radio. And he's giving truckloads of chocolate away. MR. TURKENTINE: Class dismissed! WINKELMANN: No, no, it's only for five people. MR. TURKENTINE: Class un-dismissed. WINKELMANN: He's hidden five Golden Tickets, and the people who find them will win the big prize. MR. TURKENTINE: Where's he hidden the tickets? WINKELMANN: Inside five Wonka Bars! You gotta buy Wonka Bars to find 'em! MR. TURKENTINE: Class re-dismissed! KID #3 (O.C.): I'll meet you downstairs. KID #4 (O.C.): I'm gonna buy the whole store! (Commotion continues; kids saying, "I'm gonna . . ." fades into the general wash of noise.) 7. NEWSROOM TV NEWSMAN: And now, details on the sudden announcement that has captured the attention of entire world. Hidden among the countless billions of Wonka Bars are five gold tickets. And to the five people who find them will come the most fabulous prize one could wish for: a lifetime supply of chocolate. 8. BUCKETS' HOUSE TV NEWSMAN (on TV): (continuous) And as if this were not enough, each winner before he receives his prize will be personally escorted through the top secret chocolate factory . . . GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: (on "escorted") They're all crazy! GRANDPA JOE: Sssshhh! The man's a genius! He'll sell a million bars. TV NEWSMAN: (continuous) . . . by the mythical Willy Wonka himself. The amount of chocolate involved in this competition has relighted*** the imagination to incite*** candy eaters and all citizens around the world. CHARLIE: (on "involved") Grandpa, do you think I've got a chance to find one? GRANDPA JOE: One? I'm counting on you to find all five! CHARLIE: One's enough for me. 9. NEWS MONTAGE TV NEWSMAN: (continuous) Already we have reports coming in that the response is phenomenal. Wonka Bars are beginning to disappear from candy store shelves at a rate to boggle the mind. Truly it is incredible the way that Wonkamania has descended upon the globe. While the world searches, we watch and wait, wondering where the pursuit will lead and how long the spirit of man will hold up under the strain. 10. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE HOFSTEDDER: I'm still having these dreams, Doctor, and I still can't stop myself from believing them. DOCTOR: I've told, Mr. Hofstedder, to believe in one's dreams is a manifestation of insanity. And the sooner you accept this, the sooner you will get well. HOFSTEDDER: But I dreamed the Archangel appeared and whispered into my ear and told me where to find a Golden Wonka Ticket. DOCTOR: And what exactly did he say? HOFSTEDDER: Well what difference does that make? This was a dream, a fantasy. I mean, you said just now-- DOCTOR: Shut up, Hofstedder, and tell me where the ticket is! 11. NEWSROOM ANCHORMAN: We began with five Golden Tickets like five lucky bolts of lightning ready to strike without notice at any point on the map. No one knew where, no one knew when the first one would hit. But as you all know, last night we got our answer. While we in America slept, the first golden ticket was found in the small town of Duselheim, Germany. We've been waiting several hours for the follow-up story, and we're finally ready with a live report. 12. DUSELHEIM GERMAN BROADCASTER: Proud we are, for the attention of the entire world focuses today right here in Duselheim, a community suddenly thrust into prominence by the unexpected discovery of the first Wonka Golden Ticket. Its lucky finder is the son of our most prominent parve butcher. The boy's name? Augustus Gloop. Augustus Gloop, the pride of Duselheim, the fame of Western Germany, an example for the whole world. Augustus, how does it make you feel to be the first Golden Ticket finder? AUGUSTUS: Hungry. GERMAN BROADCASTER: Any other feelings? AUGUSTUS: Feel sorry for Wonka. It's gonna cost him a fortune in fudge. GERMAN BROACASTER: Mr. Gloop, would you mind saying-- (Mr. Gloop bites off the end of the microphone.) GERMAN BROADCASTER: Mrs. Gloop, would you care to say a few words to the television audience? MRS. GLOOP: I just knew Augustus would find a Golden Ticket. Eating is his hobby, you know. We encourage him. He wouldn't do it unless he needed the nourishment, would he? Anyway, it's all vitamins. (As Mrs. Gloop speaks, a strange man [Slugworth] whispers into Augustus' ear.) 13. BUCKETS' HOUSE ALL: Happy Birthday, Charlie! GRANDPA JOE: Happy Birthday. MRS. BUCKET: Here you are, Charlie. CHARLIE: Thank you. (Opens the present; it's a long red scarf.) It's terrific. MRS. BUCKET: We each knitted a bit: Grandma Georgina, Grandma Josephine, and me. GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: I did the end pieces with the little tassels. GRANDPA JOE: And here's a little gift from Grandpa George and me. CHARLIE: I think I know what this is. (Opens the gift; it's a Wonka bar.) It is: a Wonka. GRANDPA JOE: Open it, Charlie. Let's see that Golden Ticket. CHARLIE: Wouldn't that be fantastic? MRS. BUCKET: It's not fair to raise his hopes. GRANDPA JOE: Never mind. Go on, open it, Charlie. I want to see that gold. MRS. BUCKET: Stop it, Dad. CHARLIE: I've got the same chance as anybody else, haven't I? GRANDPA JOE: You've got more, Charlie, because you want it more. Go on, open it. CHARLIE: Here goes. (He turns his back to them and opens it.) I got it! GRANDPA JOE: Where? Where? GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Let's see! CHARLIE: Fooled you, didn't I. You thought I really had it. GRANDPA JOE: Never mind, Charlie. You'll find one. CHARLIE: Here, everybody have a bite. GRANDPA JOE: No no no, you eat it. GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Certainly not. GRANDMA GEORGINA: No no no no no. 14. SALT'S FACTORY (Women are on the factory floor unwrapping Wonka Bars. The Salts are upstairs in an office.) VERUCA: I wanted to be the first to find a Golden Ticket, Daddy. MR. SALT: I know, Angel. We're doing the best we can. I've got every girl on the bleeding staff hunting for you. VERUCA: All right, where is it? Why haven't they found it? MR. SALT: Veruca, sweetheart, I'm not a magician! Give me time! VERUCA: I want it now! What's the matter with those twerps down there? MR. SALT: For five days now the entire flipping factory's been on the job. They haven't shelled a peanut in there since Monday. They've been shelling flaming chocolate bars from dawn to dusk. VERUCA: Make 'em work nights. MR. SALT: (shouting down the stairs) Come along, come along, you girls, put a jack in it or you'll be out on your ears, every one of you! And listen to this: the first girl that finds a Golden Ticket gets a one pound bonus in her pay bucket! What do you think of that? (The women scream and begin unwrapping more furiously.) VERUCA: They're not even trying. They don't want to find it. They're jealous of me. MR. SALT: Sweetheart, I can't push 'em no harder. Nineteen thousand bars an hour they're shelling. Seven hundred and sixty thousand they've done so far. VERUCA: You promised, Daddy! You promised I'd have it the very first day! MRS. SALT: You're going to very unpopular around here, Henry, if you don't deliver soon. MR. SALT: It breaks my heart, Henrietta. I hate to see her unhappy. VERUCA: I won't talk to you ever again. You're a rotten, mean father. You never give me anything I want. And I won't go to school 'til I have it. MR. SALT: Veruca, sweetheart, angel . . . Now. There are only four tickets left in the whole world, and the whole ruddy world's hunting for them. What can I do? WORKER: I got it! I got it, Mr. Salt, here it is! VERUCA: It's about time too! I want it! (Slugworth leads the worker up the stairs to Veruca.) VERUCA: Give me that ticket! It's mine! I've found a Golden Ticket! (Slugworth whispers in Veruca's ear.) MR. SALT: Thank God for that. MRS. SALT: Aye. Happiness is what counts with children. Happiness and harmony. 15. NEWS REPORT REPORTER: This, ladies and gentlemen, is the sign of our times . . . the symbol of the havoc, the mad craze that's sweeping the world today. Whatever corner of the globe we are in, whichever of the five continents we're on, the great search for Wonka Bars continues. We're now nearing the end of our forty-third day in the hunt for Golden Tickets, and everywhere we're beginning to see signs of anxiety. Every hour on the hour, new shipments are being sent to different points around the globe, but they're just not moving fast enough. And as time passes, the men who seek them become more and more desperate. 16. COMPUTER LAB TECHNICIAN: Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days, but now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well spent. We're about to witness the greatest miracle of the machine age. Based on the revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the three remaining Golden Tickets. (He punches computer buttons; reads the card it emits) It says, "I won't tell. That would be cheating." I am now telling the computer that, if it will tell me the correct answer, I will gladly share with it the grand prize. (Pushes buttons; reads card) He says, "What would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?" I am now telling the computer exactly what he can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate. 17. MILES CITY, MONTANA MONTANA REPORTER: And it can happen right here too, unbelievable as it sounds, right here in America. Where even in the smallest town, the happiest of dreams can come true. Because folks, here she is, Miss Violet Beauregarde, finder of Wonka's Golden Ticket Number Three, from Miles City, Montana. And with her, the proud parents: Mr. Beauregarde, a prominent local politician, a great civic leader, a philosopher-- MR. BEAUREGARDE: (grabs microphone) Hi, folks, Sam Beauregarde here, Square Deal Sam to you, with all of today's great giveaway bargains. The finest values you'll get anywhere in the entire country. Now this little number right here's a four door sedan . . . VIOLET: (on "number") Come on, Dad, they don't want you! MONTANA REPORTER: (to Mr. Beauregarde) Thank you, sir. Violet, would you care to say a few words to the nation. VIOLET: Sure I will. Here it is, Golden Ticket Number Three, and it's all mine. MONTANA REPORTER: Tell us how it happened, Violet. VIOLET: Well I'm a gum-chewer, normally, but when I heard about these ticket things of Wonka's I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars instead. Now, of course, I'm right back on gum. I chew it all day except at meal times when I stick it behind my ear. MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Violet . . . VIOLET: Cool it, Mother. Now this piece of gum here is one that I've been chewing on for three months solid, and that's a world record! It's beaten the record held by my best friend Miss Cornelia Prinzmetel, and was she mad! Hi, Cornelia, how are you sweetie? (Slugworth whispers in Violet's ear.) MR. BEAUREGARDE: Let me just butt in here for a moment to say that if any of you folks watching are dissatisfied with your . . . MONTANA REPORTER: Mister . . . just a minute . . . this isn't . . . 18. LAUNDERER MRS. BUCKET: Charlie, what are you doing here? CHARLIE: I thought if you were ready, I'd walk you home. MRS. BUCKET: I wish I were, but it looks like I'm gonna be here late tonight. CHARLIE: Oh, well, then I guess I'll be going. MRS. BUCKET: Well why don't you stay a minute? Here, pull up a pile of clothes and sit down. Everything all right at school? CHARLIE: Yep. MRS. BUCKET: Good. Go on your newspaper route today? CHARLIE: Just finished. MRS. BUCKET: Good. CHARLIE: I wanted to tell you something. MRS. BUCKET: Oh? CHARLIE: They found the third ticket today. MRS. BUCKET: Did they? CHARLIE: Yeah. Well . . . guess I'll be going now. MRS. BUCKET: Is that all? CHARLIE: Well I thought you'd like to know. Most people are pretty interested. I know I'm interested. There are only two tickets left you know. Just two. Pretty soon just one. MRS. BUCKET: I wonder who the lucky ones will be. CHARLIE: Well in case you're wondering if it'll be me, it won't be. Just in case you're wondering, you can count me out. MRS. BUCKET: Charlie . . . there are a hundred billion people in this world, and only five of them will find Golden Tickets. Even if you had a sackful of money you probably wouldn't find one. And after this contest is over, you'll be no different from the billions of others who didn't find one. CHARLIE: But I am different. I want it more than any of them. MRS. BUCKET: Charlie, you'll get your chance. One day things will change. CHARLIE: When? When will they change? MRS. BUCKET: Probably when you least expect it. See you later. YOU GET BLUE LIKE EVERYONE BUT ME AND GRANDPA JOE CAN MAKE YOUR TROUBLES GO AWAY BLOW AWAY THERE THEY GO CHEER UP, CHARLIE GIVE ME A SMILE WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT SMILE I USED TO KNOW DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR GRIN HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY SUNSHINE LET THAT SUNSHINE SHOW COME ON, CHARLIE NO NEED TO FROWN DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW THE WORLD IS STILL YOUR TOY WHEN THE WORLD GETS HEAVY NEVER PITAPAT 'EM UP AND AT 'EM, BOY SOMEDAY SWEET AS A SONG CHARLIE'S LUCKY DAY WILL COME ALONG 'TIL THAT DAY YOU'VE GOTTA STAY IN STRONG, CHARLIE UP ON TOP IS RIGHT WHERE YOU BELONG LOOK UP CHARLIE YOU'LL SEE A STAR JUST FOLLOW IT AND KEEP YOUR DREAM IN VIEW PRETTY SOON THE SKY IS GONNA CLEAR UP CHARLIE CHEER UP, CHARLIE, DO CHEER UP, CHARLIE JUST BE GLAD YOU'RE YOU 19. MARBLE FALLS, ARIZONA ARIZONA REPORTER: While the rest of the world goes on searching, here in the Southwest it has actually happened. That's what I said, friends. There's only one Golden Ticket left in the entire world because right here in our own community of Marble Falls, Arizona, is lucky winner number four. Now, the name soon to be heard around the universe is Mr. Mike Teevee. Hey, Mike, do you think we might shut that thing off? MIKE: No, are you crazy? MRS. TEEVEE: He won't answer 'til the station break. ARIZONA REPORTER: Mike, the country wants to hear from you; the world is waiting-- MIKE: Can't you shut up? I'm busy. Boy, what a great show. MRS. TEEVEE: I serve all his TV dinners right here. He's never even been to the table. REPORTER #2: You love to watch TV, Mike? MIKE: You bet. REPORTER #3: What about that Golden Ticket, Mike? That's what we all came to hear-- MIKE: Hold it! I wanna catch this. REPORTER #2: You like the killings, huh? MIKE: What do you think life's all about? ARIZONA REPORTER: Mike, would you tell us-- MIKE: (shoots his cap gun) Wait 'til I get a real one. Colt .45. Pop won't let me have one yet, will you, Pop. MR. TEEVEE: Not 'til you're twelve, son. (Slugworth whispers in Mike's ear.) 20. NEWSROOM ANCHORMAN: Four down, and one to go. And somewhere out there, another lucky person is moving closer and closer to finding the last of the most sought after prizes in history. Though we cannot help but envy him, whoever he is, and we might be tempted to be bitter in our losing, we must remember there are many more important things--many more important things. Offhand I can't think of what they are, but I'm sure there must be something. And now for tomorrow's weather and-- 21. BUCKETS' HOUSE CHARLIE: Why'd you wake me up, Grandpa? Is something wrong? (Grandpa pulls out a Wonka bar.) Grandpa, that money was for tobacco. GRANDPA JOE: I told you, Charlie, I've given it up. Go on, open it. One ticket left. Now let's see some of that gold. CHARLIE: No, you do it. I can't. GRANDPA JOE: Something tells me we're gonna be lucky this time. I've got a funny feeling inside. Which end shall I open first? CHARLIE: That end. Just a tiny bit. GRANDPA JOE: Like this? CHARLIE: Now a bit more. GRANDPA JOE: You finish it; I can't. CHARLIE: No, Grandpa, you do it. GRANDPA JOE: All right, here goes. (He opens the wrapper.) CHARLIE: You know . . . I bet those Golden Tickets make the chocolate taste terrible. (They hug.) 22. AUCTION AUCTIONEER: Lot four-oh-three (403). I can personally guarantee, ladies and gentlemen, that this is the one and only, the absolutely last case of Wonka Bars left in the United Kingdom. Shall we start the bidding at one thousand pounds? Do I hear one thousand pounds? Fifteen hundred pounds? Two thousand? I have two thousand five hundred here. Four thousand pounds? Forty-five hundred pounds! Five thousand pou--Your Majesty! 23. CURTIS HOME DETECTIVE: I'm sorry, Mrs. Curtis. Doesn't seem to be anything in his papers to give us a clue. MRS. CURTIS: They kidnapped my husband twelve hours ago. When are we going to hear from them? What do they want? DETECTIVE: Try to stay calm. They did it for ransom. All we can do is wait to hear their demands. MRS. CURTIS: I'll give them anything, anything they want! All I want is to have Harold back! (The phone rings.) DETECTIVE: (on phone) Go ahead, we're listening. Uh huh. Uh huh. MRS. CURTIS: What did they ask for? Whatever it is, they can have it. DETECTIVE: They want your case of Wonka Bars. Mrs. Curtis, did you hear me? It's your husband's life or your case of Wonka Bars. MRS. CURTIS: How long will they give me to think it over? 24. NEWSROOM ANCHORMAN: That's it, that's it! It's all over! The Wonka Contest is all over! The fifth and final ticket has been found, and we've got a live report coming in directly now from Paraguay, South America. PARAGUAY REPORTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, it is finished. The end has come. The fifth and last Golden Ticket has just been found right here in Paraguay. The finder is lucky Alberto Min~oleta, the multimillionaire owner of gambling casinos throughout South America. 25. BUCKETS' HOUSE PARAGUAY REPORTER (on TV): Here is the most recent picture of Alberto the happy finder, the man who has finally put an end to Wonkamania for all the world. GRANDPA JOE: (on "put") Turn it off. Well, that's that. No more Golden Tickets. GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: A lot of rubbish, the whole thing. GRANDPA JOE: Not to Charlie it wasn't. A little boy's got to have something in this world to hope for. What's he got to hope for now? GRANDMA GEORGINA: Who's going to tell him? MRS. BUCKET: Let's not wake him. He'll find out soon enough. GRANDPA JOE: Yeah, let him sleep. Let him have one last dream. 26. SCHOOL MR. TURKENTINE: (clears throat) I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest. Pencils ready. Today we are going to learn about . . . percentages. And for an example, let's take the recent unpleasantness. Supposing that there were a thousand Wonka Bars in the world and during the contest you each opened a certain number of them. That number is a percent. Everyone understand? KIDS: (some moan; others:) No. MR. TURKENTINE: You, Madeline Durkin, how many Wonka Bars did you open? MADELINE: About a hundred. MR. TURKENTINE: There are ten hundreds in a thousand; therefore you opened ten percent. You, Peter Goff, how many did you open? PETER: A hundred and fifty. MR. TURKENTINE: That's ten percent half over again, which makes fifteen percent. Charlie Bucket, how many did you open? CHARLIE: Two. MR. TURKENTINE: That's easy. Two hundred is twice one hundred . . . CHARLIE: Not two hundred. Just two. MR. TURKENTINE: Two? What do you mean you only opened two? CHARLIE: I don't care very much for chocolate. MR. TURKENTINE: Well I can't figure out just two, so let's pretend you opened two hundred. Now, if you opened two hundred Wonka Bars, apart from being dreadfully sick, you'd have used up twenty percent of one thousand, which is fifteen percent half over again, ten percent-- 27. ON THE STREET (Charlie finds a coin in a sewer grate and digs it out.) 28. BILL'S CANDY SHOP CHARLIE: (clears his throat) BILL: Hi. CHARLIE: I'd like a bar of chocolate please. BILL: Yeah, sure. What kind? A Slugworth Sizzler? A Wonka Scrumdidilyumptious? CHARLIE: Whichever's the biggest. BILL: Try a Scrumdidilyumptious. Now that all the tickets have been found, I don't have to hide them anymore. (Clears his throat and holds out his hand. Charlie pays.) Hey, hey, hey, take it easy. You'll get a stomach ache if you swallow it like that. CHARLIE: Bye. BILL: Bye now. CHARLIE: I think I'll buy just one more, for my Grandpa Joe. BILL: Sure. Why not try a regular Wonka Bar this time? CHARLIE: Fine. JOPECK (O.C.): Extra, extra! Read all about it! Hear the latest news! Get your papers here! MAN #1 (O.C.): What's going on? JOPECK (O.C.): Hear about the scandal. 29. ON THE STREET MAN #2 (O.C.): Look at this. MAN #3 (O.C.): Which one? MAN #4 (O.C.): Here, let me see. JOPECK: Extra, extra! Hear about the scandal. MAN #5: Gimme a newspaper. JOPECK: All right, all right, take it easy. One at a time. MAN #6: Who's the one that did it? MAN #7: Did you hear the news? JOPECK (O.C.): (continues through next lines) All right, all right, just a moment . . . wait your turn . . . give me a chance . . . MAN WITH PAPER: That gambler from Paraguay made up a phony ticket. SECOND MAN: That means there's one Golden Ticket still floating around somewhere. MAN WITH PAPER: Can you imagine the nerve of that guy, trying to fool the whole world? SECOND MAN: Aw, he really was a crook! Well this means the contest goes on forever. Wonder where they'll find the next one. JOPECK (O.C.): Take it easy, take it easy, one at a time. (Charlie opens his Wonka Bar; there is the Golden Ticket!) WOMAN #1: Hey, you've got it! You've got the last Golden Ticket! The kid's found the last Golden Ticket! Hold it up, sonny, so we can see! MAN A: Hey, let me see it! MAN B: It really is gold! JOPECK: Stand back there. Leave the boy alone! MAN C: Hey, kid, come over here. WOMAN #2: Let me see it! Did you see what he's got? JOPECK: You're going to kill him! Leave him alone! Break it up. MAN D: Let me see it! Over here, show it over here! MAN B: It really is gold! MAN C: I wanna see it. Hey, kid . . . JOPECK: Come on, Charlie! Hold on to that ticket! Run for it, Charlie! Run straight home and don't stop 'til you get there! (Charlie starts running home.) 30. ALLEY (Slughworth steps into Charlie's path.) SLUGWORTH: I congratulate you, little boy. Well done. You found the fifth Golden Ticket. May I introduce myself. Arthur Slugworth, President of Slugworth Chocolates, Incorporated. Now listen carefully because I'm going to make you very rich indeed. Mr. Wonka is at this moment working on a fantastic invention: the Everlasting Gobstopper. If he succeeds, he'll ruin me. So all I want you to do is to get hold of just one Everlasting Gobstopper and bring it to me so that I can find the secret formula. Your reward will be ten thousand of these. (He flips through a stack of money.) Think it over, will you. A new house for your family, and good food and comfort for the rest of their lives. And don't forget the name: Everlasting Gobstopper. 31. BUCKETS' HOUSE CHARLIE: Look, everyone, look, I've got it! The fifth Golden Ticket is mine! GRANDPA JOE: You're pulling our legs, Charlie! There aren't any more Golden Tickets. CHARLIE: No, Grandpa, the last one was a fake; it said so in the papers. I found some money in the street, and I bought a Wonka Bar, and the ticket was in it. MRS. BUCKET: Charlie! CHARLIE: Look at it, Grandpa, see for yourself! GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Read it, Joe, for heaven's sake! GRANDPA JOE: "Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this Golden Ticket, from Mr. Willy Wonka. Present this ticket at the factory gates at ten o'clock in the morning of the first day of October, and do not be late. You may bring with you one member of your own family but no one else. In your wildest dreams you could not imagine the marvelous surprises that await you!" Charlie, you've done it! MRS. BUCKET: I can't believe it! CHARLIE: Grandpa? It says I can take somebody with me. I wish you could go. GRANDPA JOE: (struggling to get out of bed) Charlie. (Charlie helps him.) Ah, that's good. Now help me up. (He stands, then falls back on the bed) Oh! CHARLIE: Are you okay? GRANDPA JOE: Oh yeah, I'm fine, Charlie. (He stands up and stumbles.) GRANDMA GEORGINA: (screams) MRS. BUCKET: Easy, Dad. GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Joe! Watch it, Joe! GRANDPA JOE: Look at me! Look at me! Up and about . . . I haven't done this in twenty years. CHARLIE: Grandpa! GRANDPA JOE: I NEVER THOUGHT MY LIFE COULD BE ANYTHING BUT CATASTROPHE BUT SUDDENLY I BEGIN TO SEE A BIT OF GOOD LUCK FOR ME 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO SHINE NEVER A HAPPY SONG TO SING BUT SUDDENLY HALF THE WORLD IS MINE WHAT AN AMAZING THING 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET It's ours, Charlie! I'VE GOT A GOLDEN SUN UP IN THE SKY Slippers, Charlie! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THE DAY WHEN I WOULD FACE THE WORLD AND SAY CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: "GOOD MORNING! AND LOOK AT THE SUN!" GRANDPA JOE: I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE SLAP IN THE LAP OF LUXURY 'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID CHARLIE: "IT COULDN'T BE DONE" GRANDPA JOE: BUT IT CAN BE DONE Oooh! The cane, Charlie! Ah! Ahhh! (He laughs.) Here I go! Watch my speed! GRANDPA JOE: I NEVER DREAMED THAT I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE MOON IN ECSTASY BUT NEVERTHELESS IT'S THERE THAT I'M SHORTLY ABOUT TO BE CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE TO MAKE MY WAY AND WITH A GOLDEN TICKET IT'S A GOLDEN DAY GRANDPA JOE: Good morning! Look at the sun! CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: 'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID, "IT COULDN'T BE DONE" GRANDPA JOE: BUT IT CAN BE DONE I NEVER DREAMED THAT I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE MOON IN ECSTASY BUT NEVERTHELESS IT'S THERE THAT I'M SHORTLY ABOUT TO BE 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE TO MAKE MY WAY AND WITH A GOLDEN TICKET IT'S A GOLDEN DAY MRS. BUCKET: Stop! It says the first of October; that's tomorrow! GRANDPA JOE: Jumping Crocodiles, Charlie! We've got a lot to do. Comb your hair, wash your face, polish your shoes, and brush your-- MRS. BUCKET: I'll take care of everything, Dad. GRANDPA JOE: We don't have too much time. CHARLIE: Grandpa . . . on the way home today, I ran into Mr. Slugworth. 32. WONKA'S FACTORY GATES (A large crowd is gathered, including reporters and a band.) MIKE: Hey, Mom, we're on TV! Hi, everybody in Marble Falls! Hi, Billy! Hi, Maggie! Hi, Fishface! How do I look? (Cut to:) LOCAL REPORTER: You guys ready? CAMERAMAN (O.C.): Yeah, you're on. LOCAL REPORTER: Well, this is it folks. This is the big day, the historic day on which Willy Wonka has promised to open his gates and shower gifts on the five lucky winners. From all over the globe, people have gathered here waiting for the hour to strike, waiting to catch a glimpse of that legendary magician Mr. Willy Wonka. (Cut to:) MR. BEUAREGARDE: Hi, friends. Sam Beauregarde here. The next time you're in Miles City, Montana, don't forget to visit Beauregarde's AutoMart . . . VIOLET: (on "Beauregarde's") Cut it out, Dad; for heaven's sake, this is my show! Hi, Cornelia sweetie, I've still got it. And how's this for a stretch? (She stretches her gum down and lets go.) (Cut to:) VERUCA: I want to go in first before anybody else. MR. SALT: Anything you say, sweetheart. (Cut to:) MRS. GLOOP: (taking food away from Augustus) Save some room for later, Augustus liebling [darling]. (Cut to:) CHARLIE: Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: Mmm? CHARLIE: I don't believe it. We did it; we're actually going in. GRANDPA JOE: We're going to see the greatest of them all: Mr. Willy Wonka! (The clock strikes ten. Willy Wonka emerges; the crowd cheers until they see he is limping with a cane. At the end of the red carpet, he sticks the cane in the stones and performs an acrobatic somersault. The crowd applauds.) WONKA: Thank you. Thank you. Welcome, my friends. Welcome to my chocolate factory. (to the ticket holders) Would you come forward please? MR. SALT: Veruca first! Get back, you! Come on, Veruca sweetheart! (Slugworth gives the thumbs up to Charlie.) CHARLIE: That's Slugworth! That's the one I've told you about! WONKA: Welcome. It's nice to have you here. I'm so glad you could come. This is going to be such an exciting day. I hope you enjoy it. I think you will. And now would you please show me your Golden Tickets. VERUCA: I'm Veruca Salt. WONKA: My dear Veruca, what a pleasure. And how pretty you look in that lovely mink coat. VERUCA: I've got three others at home. WONKA: And Mr. Salt, overjoyed to see you, sir. Would you just step over there for a minute. AUGUSTUS: Augustus Gloop. WONKA: Augustus, my dear boy, how good to see you--and in such fine shape. And this must be the radiant Mrs. Gloop. Just over there, dear lady. VIOLET: Violet Beauregarde. WONKA: Darling child, welcome to Wonka's. VIOLET: What kind of gum you got here? WONKA: Charming, charming! MR. BEAUREGARDE: Sam Beauregarde here, Mr. Wonka. WONKA: My dear sir, what a genuine pleasure. MR. BEAUREGARDE: If ever you need anything in the automotive line, just call on Sam B, phone number's on the card. With Sam B, it's a guarantee. MIKE: I'm Mike Teevee. WONKA: Mike . . . MIKE: Wham! (He pulls his gun.) You're dead! WONKA: Wonderful to meet you, Mike. And Mrs. Teevee, how do you do? What an adorable little boy you have. MRS. TEEVEE: Thank you. WONKA: Just over there. CHARLIE: Charlie Bucket. WONKA: Well, well, Charlie Bucket, I read all about you in the papers. I'm so happy for you. And who is this gentleman? CHARLIE: My grandfather, Grandpa Joe. WONKA: Delighted to meet you, sir. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced; are we ready? Yes! Good! In we go! (They all enter the factory.) 33. ENTRANCE HALLWAY WONKA: Now: hats, coats, galoshes, over here. But hurry please, we have so much time and so little to see. Wait a minute! Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you. VIOLET: When do I get my chocolate? MR. BEAUREGARDE: First take off your coat, Violet. MIKE: Boy, what weird looking coat hangers. (The hand coat hangers grab the clothes; the group gasps and screams, startled.) WONKA: Little surprises around every corner but nothing dangerous. Don't be alarmed. And as soon as your outer vestments are in hand, we'll begin. Now. Will the children kindly step up here. (He pulls back a curtain to reveal a contract.) MR. BEAUREGARDE: (mutters, reading) MR. SALT: (mutters through his teeth, reading, then:) Floods, fire, frost, or frippery? MIKE: Accidents? What kind of accidents? MR. BEAUREGARDE: . . . Labor unions? . . . (Returns to muttering.) MRS. TEEVEE: I didn't know we had to sign anything for this tour. MR. BEAUREGARDE: . . . in trying to determine . . . (mutters) VIOLET: I can't see what it says in the bottom. WONKA: Violet? You first. Sign here. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hold it! Lemme through here, you kids. Violet, baby, don't you sign anything there. What's this all about? WONKA: Standard form of contract. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Don't talk to me about contracts, Wonka; I use 'em myself. They're strictly for suckers. WONKA: Yes, but you wouldn't begrudge me a little protection. A drop. MR. BEAUREGARDE: I don't sign anything without my lawyer. MR. SALT: My Veruca don't sign anything either. WONKA: Then she don't go in. I'm sorry, rules of the house. VERUCA: I want to go in. Don't you dare stop me. MR. SALT: I'm only trying to help you, sweetheart. VERUCA: (to Violet) Gimme that pen. (to Mr. Salt) You're always making things difficult. WONKA: Nicely handled, Veruca. She's a girl who knows where she's going. Violet . . .? MR. BEAUREGARDE: Wait a minute, what's all that small print there at the bottom? WONKA: Oh, if you have any problems, dial information, thank you for calling. Mike? Augustus? MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet. Violet! MRS. TEEVEE: I assume there's an accident indemnity clause. WONKA: Never between friends. MIKE: Saw this in a movie once. Guy signed his wife's insurance policy. Then he bumped her off. WONKA: Clever. CHARLIE: What about me, Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: Sign away, Charlie; we got nothing to lose. VERUCA: Let's go in; come on! WONKA: Patience, patience, little dear. Everything has to be in order. Everyone's signed? Yes. Good. On we go! (opening lock) Ninety-nine . . . forty-four . . . one hundred percent pure. (He pushes open the door.) Just through the other door please. 34. DEAD END HALLWAY (They rush in; chaos ensues.) MR. SALT: Uh, Wonka, there's some mistake here . . . MIKE: There is no other door. VERUCA: There's no way out! WONKA: Well I know there's a door here someplace. MRS. GLOOP: (screams) MR. BEAUREGARDE: I don't like this, Wonka; I don't like it at all! MR. SALT: Is this a trick or something, Wonka? MRS. GLOOP: Help! Mr. Wonka, help! I'm getting squashed! Save me! WONKA: Is it my soul that calls upon my name? VERUCA: Let me out or I'll scream! MRS. TEEVEE: Somebody's touching me. MR. SALT: Now look here, Wonka . . . WONKA: Excuse me, question time will come at the end of the session. We must press on. Come along . . . come along . . . Ah, here we are. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Oh, don't be a darn fool, Wonka; that's the way we came in. WONKA: It is? Are you sure? MR. SALT: We've just come through there. WONKA: Huh. How do you like that? (He leans against the door; it opens. The crowd emits "Oh"s and "Aw"s. During this:) VIOLET: It's all different . . . WONKA: There we are . . . MR. SALT: What is this, Wonka? Some kind of fun house? WONKA: Why, having fun? MRS. TEEVEE: I've had enough. I'm not going in there. MR. BEAUREGADE: Come on, Violet, we're getting out of here. WONKA: Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've gotta go forwards to go back. Better press on. 35. SKEWED PERSPECTIVE ROOM (Wonka walks down the hall which gets shorter as it goes on.) CHARLIE: Hey, the room is getting smaller! MRS. TEEVEE: No, it's not; he's getting bigger. MR. SALT: He's at it again. MIKE: Where's the chocolate? MR. BEAUREGARDE: I doubt if there is any. MR. SALT: I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive. WONKA: Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about. MRS. GLOOP: You're not squeezing me through that tiny door. MR. SALT: You're off your bleeding nut, Wonka. No one can get through there. WONKA: My dear friends, you are now about to enter the nerve center of the entire Wonka Factory. Inside this room, all of my dreams become realities. And some of my realities become dreams. And almost everything you will see is eatible. Edible. I mean, you can eat almost everything. AUGUSTUS: Let me in, I'm starving! WONKA: Now, don't get overexcited! Don't lose your head, Augustus! We wouldn't want anyone to lose that! Yet. Now, the combination . . . This is a musical lock. (He plays the opening to Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro.") MRS. TEEVEE: Rachmaninoff. WONKA: Ladies and gentlemen . . . boys and girls . . . 36. THE CHOCOLATE ROOM WONKA: (as the door opens) The chocolate room. Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three. COME WITH ME AND YOU'LL BE IN A WORLD OF PURE IMAGINATION TAKE A LOOK (whips cane around) AND YOU'LL SEE INTO YOUR IMAGINATION WE'LL BEGIN (whips cane around) WITH A SPIN TRAVELLING IN THE WORLD OF MY CREATION WHAT WE'LL SEE WILL DEFY (whips cane around) EXPLANATION (whips cane around) IF YOU WANT TO VIEW PARADISE SIMPLY LOOK AROUND AND VIEW IT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, DO IT WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD (pulls hair out of Mike's head) THERE'S NOTHING TO IT MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hurry up, Violet. CHARLIE: This way, Grandpa. WONKA: THERE IS NO LIFE I KNOW TO COMPARE WITH PURE IMAGINATION LIVING THERE YOU'LL BE FREE IF YOU TRULY WISH TO BE IF YOU WANT TO VIEW PARADISE SIMPLY LOOK AROUND AND VIEW IT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, DO IT WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD THERE'S NOTHING TO IT THERE IS NO LIFE I KNOW TO COMPARE WITH PURE IMAGINATION LIVING THERE YOU'LL BE FREE IF YOU TRULY WISH TO BE MRS. GLOOP: What a disgusting, dirty river. MR. SALT: It's industrial waste, that. You've ruined your watershed, Wonka. It's polluted. WONKA: It's chocolate. VERUCA: That's chocolate?!? CHARLIE: That's chocolate. VIOLET: A chocolate river. GRANDPA JOE: That's the most fantastic thing I've ever seen. WONKA: Ten thousand gallons an hour. And look at my waterfall. That's the most important thing. It's mixing my chocolate. It's actually churning my chocolate. You know, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall. (to Mr. Salt) But it's the only way if you want it just right . . . CHARLIE: Grandpa, look over there across the river! They're little men! GRANDPA JOE: Jumping Crocodiles, Charlie! Now we know who makes the chocolate. MR. SALT: I never saw anybody with an orange face before. Funny-looking people, aren't they, Wonka? MRS. TEEVEE: What are they doing there? WONKA: It must be creaming and sugaring time. VIOLET: Well they can't be real people. WONKA: Well of course they're real people. MR. SALT: Stuff and nonsense. WONKA: No, Oompa Loompas. THE GROUP: Oompa Loompas?!? WONKA: From Loompaland. MRS. TEEVEE: Loompaland? There's no such place. WONKA: Excuse me, dear lady . . . MRS. TEEVEE: Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography. WONKA: Oh, well then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids." MR. SALT: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that? WONKA: I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here. VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away. MR. SALT: All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out. VERUCA: I want an Oompa Loompa now! VIOLET: Can it, you nit! AUGUSTUS (O.C.): Mmmmm . . . this stuff is terrific. CHARLIE: Grandpa, look at Augustus. GRANDPA JOE (O.C.): Don't worry, he can't drink it all. MRS. GLOOP: Augustus, sweetheart, save some room for later. WONKA: Oh, uh, Augustus, please, don't do that. My chocolate must never be touched by human hands. Plea--don't do that! Don't do that; you're contaminating my entire river. Please, I beg you, Augustus! (Augustus falls in; Mrs. Gloop and others scream.) MIKE: Man overboard. WONKA: My chocolate! AUGUSTUS: Help! WONKA: My chocolate! My beautiful chocolate. AUGUSTUS: Help! MRS. GLOOP: Don't just stand there; do something! WONKA: Help. Police. Murder. GRANDPA JOE: Quick, Charlie, here! CHARLIE: Quick, Augustus, grab this! (Augustus tries to grab the huge lollipop Charlie offers, but he sinks below the water.) MRS. TEEVEE: What--what's happening to him? MR. SALT: It looks like he's drowning. MRS. GLOOP: Dive in! Save him! WONKA: Oh, it's too late. MRS. GLOOP: Too late? WONKA: Oh, he's had it now; the suction's got him. MR. SALT: What suction? MRS. GLOOP: Augustus, come back. Where is he? WONKA: Watch the pipe. VERUCA: How long is he going to stay down, Daddy? MRS. GLOOP: He can't swim. WONKA: There's no better time to learn. MIKE: There's his coat going up the pipe. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Call a plumber. MR. SALT: He's stuck in the pipe there, isn't he, Wonka? It's his stomach that's done that. AUGUSTUS: (stuck in the pipe) Heeelllp! Heeelllp! VIOLET: He's blocking all the chocolate. GRANDPA JOE: Well, what happens now? WONKA: Oh, the pressure'll get him out. Terrific pressure is building up behind the blockage. (Commotion.) MR. SALT: I wonder how long it's gonna take him to push through. WONKA: The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last. MR. SALT: He, he's gonna go up this time. He--he-- Go on, boy, go on! MRS. GLOOP: This is terrible. CHARLIE: He'll never get out! GRANDPA JOE: Yes, he will, Charlie. Watch. Remember you once asked me how a bullet comes out of a gun? (Augustus shoots up the pipe.) MRS. GLOOP: He's gone! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds! WONKA: Impossible, my dear lady, that's absurd! Unthinkable! MRS. GLOOP: Why? WONKA: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room; it goes to the fudge room. MRS. GLOOP: You terrible man. (Wonka plays a short tune on the pipe whistle; an Oompa Loompa comes over.) MR. SALT: Who said that? MR. BEAUREGARDE: What the heck is that? GRANDPA JOE: He's got a whistle. WONKA: Take Mrs. Gloop straight to the fudge room, but look sharp! Or her little boy is liable to get poured into the boiler. MRS. GLOOP: You've boiled him up, I know it! WONKA: Nihil desperandum [Nothing to despair], dear lady. Across the desert lies the promised land. Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop. Adieu! Auf wiedersehen! Gesundheit. Farewell. OOMPA LOOMPAS: OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO I'VE GOT A PERFECT PUZZLE FOR YOU OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN ME WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU GUZZLE DOWN SWEETS EATING AS MUCH AS AN ELEPHANT EATS WHAT ARE YOU AT GETTING TERRIBLY FAT WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL COME OF THAT I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF IT OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH IF YOU'RE NOT GREEDY YOU WILL GO FAR YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS TOO LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DO DOOMPADEE DOO MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hey, what kind of place you running here anyhow, Wonka? WONKA: Uhhhh . . . mesdames et messieurs, maintenant nous allons faire grand petit voyage par bateau. [Ladies and Gentlemen, now we are going for a great little boat trip.] MR. SALT: What's he talking about? WONKA: Voulez-vous entrer le Wonkatania? [Do you want to come on the Wonkatania?] (The Wonkatania floats down the river.) CHARLIE: Wow, what a boat. GRANDPA JOE: Ohhhh, looks good enough to eat. MR. SALT: That's quite a nice little canoe you've got there, Wonka. WONKA: All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody. MR. SALT: Uh, ladies first, and that means Veruca. GRANDPA JOE: If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid. MR. SALT: You sure this thing'll float, eh, Wonka? WONKA: With your buoyancy, sir, rest assured. MRS. TEEVEE: She's tres joli [very pretty], but is she seaworthy? WONKA: Nothing to worry about, my dear lady. I take good care of my guests. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Yeah, you took real good care of that August kid over there, that's for sure. WONKA: Everybody aboard? You're going to love this. Just love it. (The boat begins to sail.) VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want a boat like this. A beautiful paddle boat, that's what I want. GRANDPA JOE: What she wants is a good kick in the pants. MRS. TEEVEE: I think I'm gonna be seasick. WONKA: Here, try one of these. MRS. TEEVEE: What are they? WONKA: Rainbow drops. Suck 'em and you can spit in seven different colors. VIOLET: (picking her nose) Spitting's a dirty habit. WONKA: I know a worse one. MR. BEAUREGARDE: What business you in, Salt? MR. SALT: Nuts. (The boat heads into the tunnel.) MR. SALT: Hang on, where are we going? MR. BEAUREGARDE: I don't know, but I don't like the looks of that tunnel up there. Hey, Wonka, I want off! WONKA: 'Round the world and home again, that's the sailor's way! 37. THE TUNNEL (Commotion. Disgusting images flash on the wall.) VERUCA: I don't like this ride, Daddy. WONKA: Faster! MR. SALT: Wonka, do me a favor? Tell those people to stop paddling back there. WONKA: Faster! MRS. TEEVEE: We're going too fast! WONKA: Faster! Faster! VIOLET: We're gonna sink, I know it! VERUCA: Why doesn't he stop the boat? WONKA: Faster! MR. SALT: Hang on, darling! Just close your eyes and hang on tight! MIKE: What's happening? WONKA: Faster! VIOLET: What is this, a freak-out? MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hey, this isn't funny, Wonka! MR. SALT: You can't possibly see where you're going, Wonka! WONKA: You're right. I can't. MIKE: Boy, what a great series this would make. MR. SALT: Wonka . . . CHARLIE: This is kind of strange . . . GRANDPA JOE: Yeah, strange, Charlie, but it's fun! Ha ha! MIKE: This is terrific! MRS. TEEVEE: Ugghhhhhh . . . MR. SALT: How much to get off the boat, Wonka? MRS. TEEVEE: Ugghhh . . . I think I'm gonna be sick. MR. SALT: I can take a joke, but this has gone too far. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Tell that little guy to turn us around, Wonka! MRS. TEEVEE: Aaaaaaa! Now I am gonna be sick! VERUCA: Save me, Daddy! CHARLIE: (reacting when Slugworth's face appears on the wall) Grandpa! GRANDPA: It couldn't be. (A few screams . . .) WONKA: THERE'S NO EARTHLY WAY OF KNOWING MR. SALT: Heh, heh . . . he's singing . . . WONKA: WHICH DIRECTION WE ARE GOING THERE'S NO KNOWING WHERE WE'RE ROWING MR. SALT: (echoing) ROWING . . . WONKA: OR WHICH WAY THE RIVER'S FLOWING IS IT RAINING IS IT SNOWING IS A HURRICANE A-BLOWING Bleh! Not a speck of light is showing So the danger must be growing Are the fires of hell a glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing? Yes! The danger must be growing For the rowers keep on rowing And they're certainly not showing Any signs that they are slowing! (Wonka screams. Chaos.) VERUCA: Oh, make him stop, Daddy! MR. SALT: Wonka, this has gone far enough! WONKA: Quite right, sir! Stop the boat! 38. HALLWAY OUTSIDE INVENTING ROOM WONKA: We're there. MRS. TEEVEE: Where? WONKA: Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore! MR. BEAUREGARDE: Let me off this crate! MIKE: Now why don't they show stuff like that on TV? MRS. TEEVEE: I don't know. MR. SALT: What a nightmare. VERUCA: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this. (Charlie and Grandpa Joe read a sign.) CHARLIE: Dairy cream . . . GRANDPA JOE: Whipped cream . . . CHARLIE: Coffee cream . . . GRANDPA JOE: Vanilla cream . . . CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: Hair cream? WONKA: Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit. [My friends (masters), please give me your attention.] MRS. TEEVEE: That's not French. WONKA: Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik. [You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory.] MR. SALT: I can't take much more of this. WONKA: Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room. [Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room.] Now remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling. GRANDPA JOE: No telling what? WONKA: You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing! 39. THE INVENTING ROOM (Various contraptions bubble, churn, and whistle.) GRANDPA JOE: Inventing room? It looks more like a Turkish bath to me. CHARLIE: Even if Slugworth did get in here, he couldn't find anything. MR. BEAUREGARDE: You got a garbage strike going on here, Wonka? MRS. TEEVEE: Who does your cleaning up? MR. SALT: Shouldn't you be wearing rubber gloves? You'll have the health inspectors after you, you know that, don't you. WONKA: (as he mixes a concoction) Invention, my dear friends, is ninety-three percent perspiration, . . . six percent electricity, . . . four percent evaporation, . . . and two percent butterscotch ripple. (He tastes.) MRS. TEEVEE: That's a hundred and five percent! MR. SALT: Any good? WONKA: (high, Muppet-like voice) Yes! Excuse me . . . (to Veruca) Time is a precious thing. Never waste it. (He throws an alarm clock into the cauldron.) VERUCA: He's absolutely bonkers. CHARLIE: And that's not bad. MIKE: (eating something) Mmmm . . . WONKA: IN SPRINGTIME, THE ONLY PRETTY RING TIME BIRDS SING, HEY DING A-DING, A-DING SWEET LOVERS LOVE THE SPRING-- (An explosion in Mike's mouth knocks him backwards.) MRS. TEEVEE: Mike! WONKA: I told you not to, silly boy. MRS. TEEVEE: Your teeth! MIKE: Boy, that's great stuff. WONKA: That's exploding candy for your enemies. Great idea, isn't it. Not ready yet, though, still too weak. Needs more gelignite. (He puts sneakers into a pot.) MR. SALT: What's that for? WONKA: Gives it a little kick. MR. SALT: Wonka? Butterscotch . . . butter gin . . . you've got something going on inside of here? WONKA: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. (Tests a pot.) Aaa! VIOLET: What's the matter? Too hot, Mr. Wonka? WONKA: Too cold. Far too cold. MR. SALT: That's gourmet cooking for you. (Mr. Beauregarde tries to look into the Everlasting Gobstopper machine; a buzzer goes off.) WONKA: No! Don't. Please. Forgive me, but no one must look under there. This is the most secret machine in my entire factory. This is the one that's really going to sizzle old Slugworth. CHARLIE: What's it do? WONKA: Would you like to see? CHARLIE: Yeah. (Wonka pushes a button. The machine goes through a long process, then produces Everlasting Gobstoppers.) CHARLIE: But what's it do? WONKA: Can't you see? It makes Everlasting Gobstoppers. VIOLET: Did you say "Everlasting Gobstoppers"? (Wonka mouths the last words with her.) WONKA: That's right. For children with very little pocket money. You can suck 'em forever. VERUCA: I want an Everlasting Gobstopper. VIOLET: Me too! MIKE: And me! WONKA: Fantastic invention. Revolutionize the industry. You can suck 'em and suck 'em and suck 'em, and they'll never get any smaller. Never. At least I don't think they do. A few more tests. MIKE: How do you make 'em? WONKA: I'm a trifle deaf in this ear. Speak a little louder next time. Who wants an Everlasting Gobstopper? (The children say "Me!" or "I do!") WONKA: I can only give them to you if you solemnly swear to keep them for yourselves and never show them to another living soul as long as you all shall live. Agreed? (Veruca crosses her fingers behind her back.) CHILDREN: Agreed. WONKA: Good. (He hands them out.) One for you, and one for you, and one for you. GRANDPA JOE: Eh, what about Charlie? WONKA: And one for Charlie. VERUCA: Hey, she's got two. I want another one! VIOLET: Stop squawking, you twit! WONKA: Everybody has had one, and one is enough for anybody. Now come along. Now over here, if you'll follow me, I have something rather special to show you. MR. SALT: Well, it's special, all right. I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one. (He laughs.) MIKE: What a contraption. WONKA: Isn't she scrumptious? She's my revolutionary, non- pollutionary mechanical wonder. Now: button, button, who's got the button? CHARLIE: It's over there. WONKA: Here? CHARLIE: Yeah. WONKA: (pushes the button; the contraption begins to work) What you are witnessing, dear friends, is the most enormous miracle of the machine age: the creation of a confectionery giant! Finito! VERUCA: That's all? WONKA: That's all?!? Don't you know what this is? VIOLET: By gum, it's gum! WONKA: Wrong! It's the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world. VIOLET: What's so fab about it? WONKA: This little piece of gum is a three course dinner. MR. SALT: Bull. WONKA: No, roast beef, but I haven't got it quite right yet. VIOLET: (grabbing the gum) I don't care. WONKA: Oh, I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't. VIOLET: So long as it's gum, then that's for me. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, now don't you do anything stupid. VIOLET: (sighs in disgust) CHARLIE: What's it taste like? VIOLET: Madness! It's tomato soup! It's hot and creamy. I can actually feel it running down my throat! It's delicious! WONKA: Stop, don't . . . CHARLIE: Why doesn't she listen to Mr. Wonka? GRANDPA JOE: Because, Charlie, she's a nitwit. VIOLET: (continuous) And every chew gets better and better! Mmmm . . . this sure is great soup. Hey, second course is coming up! Roast beef and a baked potato! Mmmm. MR. BEAUREGARDE: With sour cream? (He laughs.) What's for dessert, baby? VIOLET: Dessert? Here it comes. Blueberry pie and cream! It's the most marvelous blueberry pie that I've ever tasted! CHARLIE: Look at her face! MR. BEAUREGARDE: Holy Toledo, what's happening to your face? VIOLET: Cool it, Dad! Lemme finish. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Yeah, but your face is turning blue! Violet, you're turning violet, Violet! VIOLET: What are you talking about? WONKA: I told you I hadn't got it quite right yet. MR. BEAUREGARDE: You can say that again. Look what it's done to my kid! WONKA: It always goes wrong when we come to the dessert. Always. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, what are you doing now?!? You're blowing up! VIOLET: I feel funny. GRANDPA JOE: I'm not surprised. VIOLET: What's happening? MR. BEAUREGARDE: You're blowing up like a balloon! WONKA: Like a blueberry. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Somebody do something! Call a doctor! MRS. TEEVEE: Stick her with a pin. CHARLIE: She'll pop! WONKA: It happens every time! They all become blueberries. MR. BEAUREGARDE: You've really done it this time, haven't you, Wonka. I'll break you for this. WONKA: Oh, well, I'll get it right in the end. VIOLET: Help! Help! (Wonka plays the pipe whistle.) MR. BEAUREGARDE: We've got to let the air out of her, quick! WONKA: There's no air in there. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hmm? WONKA: That's juice. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Juice?!? WONKA: (to an Oompa Loompa) Would you roll the young lady down to the juicing room at once, please. MR. BEAUREGARDE: What for? WONKA: For squeezing. She has to be squeezed immediately before she explodes. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Explodes?!? WONKA: It's a fairly simple operation. OOMPA LOOMPAS: OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO I'VE GOT ANOTHER PUZZLE FOR YOU (OO OO OO) OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADAH DEE IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME GUM CHEWING'S FINE WHEN IT'S ONCE IN A WHILE IT STOPS YOU FROM SMOKING AND BRIGHTENS YOUR SMILE BUT IT'S REPULSIVE, REVOLTING, AND WRONG CHEWING AND CHEWING ALL DAY LONG THE WAY THAT A COW DOES OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH GIVEN GOOD MANNERS YOU WILL GO FAR YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS TOO LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DO MR. BEAUREGARDE: I'll get even with you for this, Wonka, if it's the last thing I ever do! I got a blueberry for a daughter . . . (The Oompa Loompa leads him away.) WONKA: Where is fancy bred? In the heart, or in the head? Shall we roll on? (An Oompa Loompa hands him his cane) Thank you. (to the group) Well, well, well . . . two naughty, nasty little children gone. Three good, sweet little children left. Hurry, please, long way to go yet. 40. WALLPAPER ROOM WONKA: Wait a minute. Must show you this. Lickable wallpaper for nursery walls. Lick an orange, it tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple, it tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead, try it. GRANDPA JOE: Oh. MIKE: Mmm, I got a plum. CHARLIE: Grandpa, this banana's fantastic! It tastes so real. WONKA: Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries! VERUCA: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry? WONKA: We are the music-makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Come along, come along. 41. FIZZY LIFTING ROOM WONKA: Something very unusual in here. Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Yet. CHARLIE: What's it making, Mr. Wonka? WONKA: Fizzy Lifting Drinks. They fill you with gas, and the gas is so terrifically lifting that it lifts you right off the ground like a balloon. VERUCA: Oh, isn't it high! Gosh! WONKA: But I daren't sell it yet. It's still too powerful. MIKE: Come on, let us try some! Please? VERUCA: Oh, let us try some. Don't be mean! WONKA: No, no, no. Absolutely not. There'd be children floating around all over the place. Come along now; don't hang about. You're going to be wild about this next room. (All but Charlie and Grandpa Joe exit.) GRANDPA JOE: Let's take a drink, Charlie; nobody's watching. CHARLIE: Yeah. GRANDPA JOE: A small one won't hurt us. (He opens a bottle and drinks.) Mmmm, not bad. (Charlie drinks.) Well? CHARLIE: Nothing's happening. GRANDPA JOE: You're right, Charlie. I can't understand WHYYYY . . . oh, oh, oh, I feel terribly strange . . . CHARLIE: What do we do now, Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: I don't know, Charlie, but AAAAAA! OH, OH! We're in big trouble! Mr. Wonka isn't gonna like this. CHARLIE: We can't stay up here all day! GRANDPA JOE: You're right, Charlie, but-- CHARLIE: I'm gonna try and get down. GRANDPA JOE: All right, Charlie, but please . . . be very careful. CHARLIE: Hey, it's fun, Grandpa! It works! Come on in, the air's fine! GRANDPA JOE: Oh, I don't know, Charlie. I haven't been swimming in twenty years, I-- CHARLIE: (on "haven't") Come on, give me your hand. GRANDPA JOE: I don't think I ought to . . . Oh. Oh! This is great! CHARLIE: (shooting upward) Hey, try this, Grandpa! Whee! GRANDPA JOE: All right, Charlie, wait for me! Wheeeeee! CHARLIE: Wheeeee! GRANDPA JOE: I'm a shooting star! CHARLIE: I'm a rocket! Grandpa, this is really great. GRANDPA JOE: Look, I'm a bird! I feel light as a feather. Look down, Charlie. We're really high now. CHARLIE: Watch this, Grandpa. (He somersaults.) GRANDPA JOE: Wonderful, Charlie. CHARLIE: Wow. Try it, Grandpa. GRANDPA JOE: Oh, I don't know, I . . . CHARLIE: Come on, Grandpa. GRANDPA JOE: All right. (He somersaults.) CHARLIE: Hey, you did it, Grandpa. GRANDPA JOE: Ohhhh . . . ohhhh, I think I hit an air pocket. CHARLIE: You can fly to the moon this way. GRANDPA JOE: Let's just fly south for the winter. CHARLIE: Why not? I'm a bird! GRANDPA JOE: I'm a plane! CHARLIE: I'm . . . going too high! Hey, Grandpa, I can't get down! Help! Grandpa, the fan! GRANDPA JOE: Stay away from it, Charlie; it'll chop us to bits! We're in trouble, Charlie. I can't stop! CHARLIE: It's pulling me in! GRANDPA JOE: I can't stop! I can't stop! CHARLIE: What do we do? GRANDPA JOE: Grab hold of something, quick! CHARLIE: There's nothing to grab on to! Help! We're gonna get killed! GRANDPA JOE: Help! Help! CHARLIE: Help! GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka, please! Turn off the fan! Oh! Oh! (He burps.) Oooo, I'm going down! Quick, Charlie, burp, burp! If you don't get down you'll be chopped into ribbons! CHARLIE: Help! I can't! Help! GRANDPA JOE: You've gotta burp, Charlie. It's the only way. CHARLIE: (burps) GRANDPA JOE: 'Atta boy. Burp again. (Charlie continues to burp.) 'Atta boy, come on. Ahhhh, that's wonderful, Charlie. (The two burp back and forth.) GRANDPA JOE: Grab onto me, Charlie. We're gonna be all right now. (They land.) Good boy. From now on, we keep our feet on the ground. Come on, let's catch up to the others! (One last burp.) 42. THE GEESE ROOM WONKA: I know what you're thinking: They can't be doing what they're doing. But they are. They have to. I haven't met the Oompa Loompa yet who could do it. These are the geese that lay the golden eggs. As you can see, they're larger than ordinary geese. As a matter of fact, they're quadruple size geese which produce octuple size eggs. They're laying overtime right now for Easter. MIKE: But Easter's over! WONKA: Ssshhh . . . (He covers Mike's mouth.) They don't know that. I'm trying to get ahead for next year. MR. SALT: What happens if they drop one of those eggs, Wonka? WONKA: An omelet fit for a king, sir. VERUCA: Are they chocolate eggs? WONKA: Golden chocolate eggs. That's a great delicacy. But I wouldn't get too close. The geese are very temperamental. That's why we have the Eggdicator. MRS. TEEVEE: Eggdi-what? WONKA: The Eggdicator. The Eggdicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it's a bad egg . . . down the chute. GRANDPA JOE: It's an educated Eggdicator. MR. SALT: It's a lot of nonsense. WONKA: (singing) A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want a golden goose. CHARLIE: Here we go again. MR. SALT: All right, sweetheart, all right. Daddy'll get you a golden goose as soon as we get home. VERUCA: No, I want one of those! MR. SALT: Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose? WONKA: They're not for sale. MR. SALT: Name your price. WONKA: She can't have one. VERUCA: Who says I can't? MR. SALT: The man with the funny hat. VERUCA: I want one! I want a golden goose! Gooses, Geeses, I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter MR. SALT: It will, sweetheart. VERUCA: At least a hundred a day MR. SALT: Anything you say VERUCA: And by the way . . . MR. SALT: What. VERUCA: I want a feast MR. SALT: You ate before you came to the factory. VERUCA: I WANT A BEAN FEAST MR. SALT: Huh, one of those. VERUCA: CREAM BUNS AND DONUTS AND FRUITCAKE WITH NO NUTS SO GOOD YOU COULD GO NUTS MR. SALT: You can have all those things when you get home. VERUCA: No, now! I WANT A BALL I WANT A PARTY PINK MACAROONS AND A MILLION BALLOONS AND PERFORMING BABOONS AND-- GIVE IT TO ME MR. SALT: Later. VERUCA: (elbowing Mr. Salt in the stomach) Now! I WANT THE WORLD I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD I WANT TO LOCK IT ALL UP IN MY POCKET IT'S MY BAR OF CHOCOLATE GIVE IT TO ME NOW I WANT TODAY I WANT TOMORROW I WANT TO WEAR 'EM LIKE BRAIDS IN MY HAIR AND I DON'T WANT TO SHARE 'EM I WANT A PARTY WITH ROOMFULS OF LAUGHTERS TEN THOUSAND TONS OF ICE CREAM AND IF I DON'T GET THE THINGS I AM AFTER I'M GOING TO SCREAM I WANT THE WORKS I WANT THE WHOLE WORKS PRESENTS AND PRIZES AND SWEETS AND SURPRISES OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES AND NOW! DON'T CARE HOW I WANT IT NOW DON'T CARE HOW I WANT IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW (Veruca, deemed a Bad Egg by the Eggdicator, falls down the chute.) WONKA: She was a bad egg. MR. SALT: Um . . . where's she gone? WONKA: Where all the other bad eggs go: down the garbage chute. MR. SALT: (laughing) The garbage chute. Where does it lead to? WONKA: To the furnace. MR. SALT: (laughing heartily) To the furnace. She'll be sizzled like a sausage. WONKA: Well not necessarily. She could be stuck just inside the tube. MR. SALT: Inside the . . .? Hold on! Veruca, sweetheart, Daddy's coming! (He jumps down the Eggdicator chute.) WONKA: There's gonna be a lot of garbage today. GRANDPA JOE: Well, Mr. Salt finally got what he wanted. CHARLIE: What's that? GRANDPA JOE: Veruca went first. CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they? WONKA: Hmmm . . . well, I think that furnace is lit only every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they. OOMPA LOOMPAS: OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO I'VE GOT ANOTHER PUZZLE FOR YOU OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADAH DEE IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME WHO DO YOU BLAME WHEN YOUR KID IS A BRAT PAMPERED AND SPOILED LIKE A SIAMESE CAT BLAMING THE KIDS IS A LIE AND A SHAME YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO'S TO BLAME THE MOTHER AND THE FATHER OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH IF YOU'RE NOT SPOILED THEN YOU WILL GO FAR. YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS TOO LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DO WONKA: I don't understand it. The children are disappearing like rabbits. Well, we still have each other. Shall we press on? MRS. TEEVEE: Mr. Wonka, can't we sit down for a minute? The pace is killing me. WONKA: My dear lady, transportation has already been arranged. 43. WONKAMOBILE ROOM (Oompa Loompas fill the Wonkamobile with soda.) WONKA: Behold the Wonkamobile. A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Places, please, the dance is about to begin. Better grab a seat, they're going fast. GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka, what's that they're filling it up with? WONKA: Oh, ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, bubble-ade, bubble cola, double cola, double bubble burp-a-cola, and all the crazy carbonated stuff that tickles your nose. Few people realize what tremendous power there is in one of those things. GRANDPA JOE: Sorry I asked. MIKE: You think Slugworth would pay extra to know about this? MRS. TEEVEE: Just keep your eyes open and your mouth shut. WONKA: Everybody set? CHARLIE: Is this gonna go fast, Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: It should, Charlie. It's got more gas in it than a politician. WONKA: Now hold on tight. I'm gonna really open her up this time and see what she can do. Swifter than eagles . . . stronger than lions . . . (Bubble suds begin to spray out at everyone.) MIKE AND MRS. TEEVEE: Ohhhhhhhh! WONKA: Must be a leak in the distilling tubes. CHARLIE: Grandpa! GRANDPA JOE: I'm getting it too! WONKA: MARTHA! MARTHA! DU ENTSCHWANDEST [MARTHA! MARTHA! YOU HAVE VANISHED] MIKE: It's getting in my eye! WONKA: (continuous) AH, MEIN GLUCK NAHMST DU MIT DIR [MY HAPPINESS YOU TAKE WITH YOU] MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, it's even in my shoes! I'm soaked! It'll never come out! MIKE: It's sticking to my gun. WONKA: (continuous) GEHT ES HIN WO DU ENTSCHWANDEST [DOES IT GO WHERE YOU HAVE VANISHED] ODER TEILE ES MIT MIR. [OR (DO YOU) SHARE IT WITH ME.] MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, my dress, my hair, my face! Ohhhhhh . . . I'm sending you the cleaning bill, Mr. Wonka! (They go through the Hsawaknow.) MRS. TEEVEE: I'm dry cleaned! CHARLIE: Hey, Grandpa, what was that we just went through? WONKA: Hsawaknow. MRS. TEEVEE: Is that Japanese? WONKA: No, that's "Wonkawash" spelled backwards. That's it, ladies and gentlemen. The journey is over. GRANDPA JOE: Finest bath I've had in twenty years. CHARLIE: Let's do it again, Mr. Wonka. MRS. TEEVEE: You mean that's as far as it goes? MIKE: Couldn't we have walked? WONKA: If the Good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates. Now would you all please put these on. (They take white coats and goggles.) We have to be very careful. There's dangerous stuff inside. 44. WONKAVISION ROOM WONKA: Wonkavision: my very latest and greatest invention. MIKE: It's television. WONKA: Uh, it's Wonkavision. Now I suppose you all know how ordinary television works. You photograph something and-- MIKE: Sure, I do. You photograph something, and then the photograph is split up into millions of tiny pieces, and they go whizzing through the air down to your TV set where they're all put together again in the right order. WONKA: You should open your mouth a little wider when you speak. So I said to myself, "If they can do it with a photograph, why can't I do it with a bar of chocolate?" I shall now send this chocolate bar from one end of the room to the other. It has to be big because whenever you transmit something by television, it always ends up smaller on the other end. Goggles on, please. Lights, camera, action! MRS. TEEVEE: (screams) WONKA: You can remove your goggles. CHARLIE: Where's the chocolate? WONKA: It's flying over our heads in a million pieces. Now watch the screen. Here it comes. There it is. Take it. MIKE: How can you take it? It's just a picture. WONKA: All right, you take it. CHARLIE: It's real. WONKA: Taste it; it's delicious. It's just gotten smaller, that's all. CHARLIE: It's perfect. MRS. TEEVEE: It's unbelievable. GRANDPA JOE: It's a miracle. MIKE: It's a TV dinner. WONKA: It's Wonkavision. GRANDPA JOE: It could change the world. MIKE: Mr. Wonka, can you send other things? Not just chocolate, I mean. WONKA: Anything you like. MIKE: What about . . . people? WONKA: People? Hmmm . . . I don't really know. I suppose I could. Yes, I'm sure I could. I'm pretty sure I could. But it might have some messy results. MIKE: Look at me; I'm gonna be the first person in the world to be sent by television! MRS. TEEVEE: Mike, get away from that thing! WONKA: Stop, don't, come back . . . MIKE: Lights, camera, action! MRS. TEEVEE: Mike! Where are you? GRANDPA JOE: He's up there, in a million pieces! MRS. TEEVEE: Mike! Are you there? WONKA: No good shouting here. Watch the screen. MRS. TEEVEE: Mike? Why's he taking so long? CHARLIE: Million pieces take a long time to put together. MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, where are they? WONKA: There's definitely something coming through. MRS. TEEVEE: Is it Mike? WONKA: Well it's hard to tell, but I-- MRS. TEEVEE: (wailing at the sight of Mike, now shrunk) Ooooooooh ho-hoooooh! GRANDPA JOE: Our little group is getting smaller by the minute. MIKE: Look at me, everybody; I'm the first person in the world to be sent by television. Wow, what a wild trip that was. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Am I coming in clear? Hey, Mom, I said, "Am I coming in clear?" WONKA: Great. He's completely unharmed. MRS. TEEVEE: You call that unharmed? MIKE: Wow, that was something. Can I do it again? MRS. TEEVEE: No, there'll be nothing left. MIKE: Don't worry about a thing, Mom; I feel fine. I'm famous. I'm a TV star. Wait 'til the kids back home hear about this. MRS. TEEVEE: Nobody's gonna hear about this. MIKE: Where are you taking me? I don't want to go in there! (Mrs. Teevee puts Mike in her purse.) MIKE (in the purse): Hey, let me out! It's dark in here. MRS. TEEVEE: Be quiet. (to Mr. Wonka) Well . . . MIKE (in the purse): Come on, Mom, I want to be on TV. WONKA: Well, fortunately small boys are extremely springy and elastic, . . . MIKE (in the purse): Let me out, Mom, or I'll gnaw*** my way out. WONKA: (continuous) . . . so I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick. MIKE (in the purse): I'm warning you, Mom; there's a nail file in here . . . MRS. TEEVEE: Taffy . . . WONKA: (to an Oompa Loompa) To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful. MIKE (in the purse): (on "You'll") If you don't let me out, I'll [smear your lipstick]*** all over everything. MRS. TEEVEE: (losing it) T-t-taffy pull-- (as the Oompa Loompa whispers to Willy Wonka) Oh, what's he saying? (Mike continues to protest.)*** WONKA: (to the Oompa Loompa) No, no, I won't hold you responsible. (Mrs. Teevee faints backwards into Grandpa Joe's arms.) WONKA: And now, my dearest lady, it's time to say goodbye. (Mrs. Teevee emits a noise.) No, no, don't speak. For some moments in life there are no words. Run along now. (The Oompa Loompas drag her out.) Adieu, adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow. OOMPA LOOMPAS: OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO I'VE GOT ANOTHER PUZZLE FOR YOU OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADAH DEE IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A GLUT OF TV A PAIN IN THE NECK AND AN I.Q. OF THREE WHY DON'T YOU TRY SIMPLY READING A BOOK OR COULD YOU JUST NOT BEAR TO LOOK YOU'LL GET NO YOU'LL GET NO YOU'LL GET NO YOU'LL GET NO YOU'LL GET NO COMMERCIALS. OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH IF YOU'RE NOT GREEDY YOU WILL GO FAR YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS TOO LIKE THE OOMPA OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DO 45. OUTSIDE WILLY WONKA'S OFFICE WONKA: So much to do, so much to do, invoices and bills, letters . . . I must answer that note from the queen. CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka, what's gonna happen to the other kids? Augustus, Veruca? WONKA: My dear boy, I promise you they'll be quite all right. When they leave here, they'll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. But maybe they'll be a little bit wiser for the wear. Anyway, don't worry about them. GRANDPA JOE: Eh, what do we do now, Mr. Wonka? WONKA: Oh, yes, well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves. Excuse me for not showing you out. Straight up the stairs. You'll find the way. I'm terribly busy. Whole day wasted. Goodbye to you both. Goodbye. (He enters his office.) CHARLIE: What happened? Did we do something wrong? GRANDPA JOE: I don't know, Charlie. But I'm gonna find out. (They enter the office.) 46. WILLY WONKA'S OFFICE (Everything is cut in half.) GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka? WONKA: I am extraordinarily busy, sir. GRANDPA JOE: I just wanted to ask about the chocolate. The lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. When does he get it? WONKA: He doesn't. GRANDPA JOE: Why not? WONKA: Because he broke the rules. GRANDPA JOE: What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie? WONKA: Wrong, sir, wrong! Under Section Thirty-Seven B of the contract signed by him it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if--and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy: "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera . . . fax mentis incendium gloria culpum, et cetera, et cetera . . . memo bis punitor delicatum!" It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir! GRANDPA JOE: You're a crook! You're a cheat and a swindler! That's what you are. How can you do a thing like this? Build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces. You're an inhuman monster! WONKA: I said Good Day! GRANDPA JOE: Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one. (Long pause.) CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka . . . (Charlie leaves the Gobstopper on Willy Wonka's desk.) WONKA: So shines a good deed in a weary world. Charlie . . . my boy . . . You won! You did it! You did it! I knew you would; I just knew you would. Oh, Charlie, forgive me for putting you through this. Please, forgive me. Come in, Mr. Wilkinson. Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson. (Wilkinson--formerly known as Slugworth--enters.) WILKINSON: Pleasure. CHARLIE: Slugworth! WONKA: No, no, that's not Slugworth. He works for me. CHARLIE: For you? WONKA: I had to test you, Charlie. And you passed the test. You won! GRANDPA JOE: Won what? WONKA: The jackpot, my dear sir, the grand and glorious jackpot. CHARLIE: The chocolate? WONKA: The chocolate, yes, the chocolate, but that's just the beginning. We have to get on, we have to get on; we have so much time, and so little to do. Strike that. Reverse it. This way please. We'll take the Wonkavator. Step in, Charlie. Grandpa Joe, sir. This is the Great Glass Wonkavator. GRANDPA JOE: It's an elevator. WONKA: It's a Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways and slantways and longways and backways . . . CHARLIE: And frontways? WONKA: . . . and squareways and frontways and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button and ZING! You're off. And up until now I've pressed them all . . . except one. This one. Go ahead, Charlie. CHARLIE: Me? (He pushes the button.) WONKA: There it goes. Hold on tight. I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen. Faster, faster . . . If we don't pick up enough speed, we'll never get through. CHARLIE: Get through what? WONKA: Ah-ha! GRANDPA JOE: You mean we're going . . .? WONKA: Up and out! GRANDPA JOE: But this roof is made of glass. It'll shatter into a thousand pieces. We'll be cut to ribbons! WONKA: Probably. Hold on, everybody. Here it comes. (The Wonkavator crashes through the roof and flies into the sky.) GRANDPA JOE: You did it, Mr. Wonka, congratulations! WONKA: Get up. Take a look. CHARLIE: Grandpa, our town looks so pretty from up here. GRANDPA JOE: Yeah, look over here, Charlie. I think I see our house. CHARLIE: Wow. GRANDPA JOE: It really looks beautiful. CHARLIE: There's my school, Grandpa. WONKA: How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie? CHARLIE: I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world. WONKA: I'm very pleased to hear you say that because I'm giving it to you. That's all right, isn't it? GRANDPA JOE: You're giving Charlie the--? WONKA: I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So, who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grownup. A grownup would want to do everything his own way, not mine. That's why I decided a long time ago I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child to whom I can tell all my most precious candy making secrets. CHARLIE: And that's why you sent out the Golden Tickets. WONKA: That's right. So the factory's yours, Charlie; you can move in immediately. GRANDPA JOE: And me? WONKA: Absolutely. CHARLIE: What happens to the rest of-- WONKA: The whole family. I want you to bring them all. (Charlie hugs him.) But Charlie . . . don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted. CHARLIE: What happened? WONKA: He lived happily ever after. END CREDIT SINGERS (VOICEOVER): IF YOU WANT TO VIEW PARADISE SIMPLY LOOK AROUND AND VIEW IT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO, DO IT WANT TO MAKE THE WORLD THERE'S NOTHING TO IT THERE IS NO LIFE I KNOW TO COMPARE WITH PURE IMAGINATION LIVING THERE YOU'LL BE FREE IF YOU TRULY WISH TO BE THE END